


Freeloader's Dawn

by Suharu



Category: Given (Anime), Given (Manga)
Genre: Canon Compliant, Drabble, Emotional, Feelings Realization, Insecurity, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-31
Updated: 2020-08-31
Packaged: 2021-03-06 16:26:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,218
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26221855
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Suharu/pseuds/Suharu
Summary: “Am I even necessary?”That simple question, uttered in despair, managed to make him immediately hold his tongue.Words hold a special kind of power to them, it's easier to destroy than to build using them, and yet they are the most powerful tool when it comes to building, or even re-building a trust.Akihiko's POV.
Relationships: Kaji Akihiko/Nakayama Haruki
Comments: 6
Kudos: 72





	Freeloader's Dawn

**Author's Note:**

> Akihiko's POV during the conversation he had with Haruki in Code 21.

“Am I even necessary?”

That simple question, uttered in despair, managed to make him immediately hold his tongue. A hundred possibilities of how he could react were running though his mind.  
It’s not like Haruki’s insecurities were news to him, and maybe it was naïve of him to think that conversations past made any difference. He was quite certain though, that he did reach his bandmate at some point. Could it be everything he was trying to build just crumbled down in a single act of impulsiveness? 

“Unlike the rest of you, I’m not a genius – I’m nothing.”

Oh yes, it most definitely could. 

The validity of the reassuring, of him building up the bassist’s confidence, was dissolving into thin air like it was nothing, and he had to watch it happen.  
The price of a broken trust was apparently the painful clenching in his chest.

He was not exactly used to consequences in this relationship. Not realizing himself that he was keeping his best, and sometimes only friend on the back burner, he got used to feigning innocence to the point he himself believed that Haruki’s kindness was his birthright, and not something worth working for.

He hated the person he has become.

He could see it now; it was always there in the little things. In the way he carelessly allowed himself to touch his hair, subconsciously waiting for the over-the-top reaction of the brunette he secretly enjoyed so much. It was in the way he just announced he was going to crush at the bassist’s place after a night of heavy drinking, and in the fact that he didn’t even flinch as he woke up alone in the bassist’s bed the morning after, covered by the nicest of blankets, with his shoes he still had on as he fell asleep neatly tucked under the bed.  
He understood now that he simply enjoyed a non-committing relationship. He took pleasure in being loved and taken care of without giving back and without any consequences whatsoever. He could just leave the morning after and come back to the basement, where he knew affection was scarce. After all he just had his load of warmth the night before, he could survive in the darkness for another day. It was all thanks to him he got to live another day, waiting for something, for someone to come around, further hurting them and himself.

Haruki was a tool for a long time. Accepting this truth made him sick to the stomach.

“And today I couldn’t even synchronize with the music at all!”

At once, the bassist’s words brought his wandering thoughts back to reality.  
It seemed like he didn’t even think to connect the dots and send blame his way, no, he was way too accustomed to bearing the weight of his failures by himself.  
It was clear to Akihiko that he was to blame, so how did Haruki just decide on his own to bear the blame of his shoulders? This made the drummer feel even worse, he wanted to strip his friend down from this guilt, leaving nothing but the pureness of the heart he was always seeing, and so very often taking advantage of. 

Music is all about communication, Haruki said so himself once upon what seemed to be a lifetime, and it was crystal clear to him that that’s exactly what he has been doing, communicating. Conveying his mess of emotions in the only way he allowed himself to. The bass was screaming as it was going out of sync, its sounds more profound than ever, shouting above everyone else's, painting the room the darker colors of the musician’s heart.

He had to do something, to say something that could shake him to the core, to stop this destructive trail of thought he knew the brunette was trapped in, and most certainly did not deserve. It should be something so obvious it’ll make him realize the absurdity of his words, because telling him he’s being unreasonable will only make him more withdrawn  
That being said, the most ordinary words sometimes are the hardest to gather. 

“But that was because, you never took our eyes off the floor.”

He could see Haruki’s eyes opening, as if slightly in shock, still facing the ground.

Bingo.

He kept on talking, not leaving empty spaces for silence that might’ve given way for doubts to crawl back. Anything to keep him from falling even further into that dark place, and to his own surprise, it seemed to be working. Haruki lifted his face up a bit more with every word Akihiko uttered, his gaze lagging a bit, as though he was still afraid to meet the green, piercing eyes, as though once they make the eye contact he’ll have no choice but to believe the words of the one person who made him into the mess he is.

“You are important, haven’t I always been telling you that!?”

The final blow. It was so very much unlike the careful, calculated trail of thoughts that clouded his usual words and actions, that made them into manipulations. The raw honesty came across and he knew, he had his grasp of him now, and for once not for his own benefit, but purely for his bandmate’s sake. 

Akihiko paused, but only for a second. He was afraid of the person he has become, of what he was capable of just a few nights ago, and he just had to ponder. Was it purely guilt-driven reaction or if there was something more to it? That little doubt was tossed aside quite immediately though, as he realized that it was not regret he was feeling at this very moment, the thing driving him was the mere fact that Haruki could not see for himself how he was the glue that was keeping the band, and sometimes even Akihiko’s own existence, intact. He wanted to be the one to make him see that, to make him realize what a wonderful human being he really is. 

It was a selfish wish, and that’s how Akihiko knew it was real. He let out a small, unnoticeable snicker under his breath. This realization was overwhelming, he did not see that coming.

Always very much observant and aware of others’ emotions, Akihiko was always quick to push his own aside. And perhaps he was extra aware of others’ feelings so he could have a convenient enough excuse not to face his own.  
This time it was different though.  
For the first time in a very long while, he felt like he did not hate his own thoughts. He had a newfound will to make everything better for another, and it was this incredible man by his side, responsible for it, saving him yet again without taking credit. 

That's when he knew he would do anything in his power to be worthy of these emotions, he wanted them to linger. He wished to come to a point at which he didn’t hate himself anymore, and to feel again without running away from it. He’d better start working hard on it immediately, he thought, as the goal was still far but for a change, not unreachable. 

“What do you want for dinner? I’ll cook for you if you’re unwell… I’m a freeloader after all.”

**Author's Note:**

> Me: Working on 3 different things at the same time for months.  
> Also me: Here's a hurricane of thoughts I've gathered in a few hours, how fun!
> 
> Come say hi to me on [Twitter](https://twitter.com/TehAlex3)!


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